Denial. Anger. Depression. Bargaining. Acceptance.
You have probably heard of these as the stages of grief. What you might not know is that they came from a study that interviewed people who were dying – not people who were grieving. More importantly, they were meant to explain what people were feeling – not as a list of what people should feel. They are descriptive, NOT prescriptive. You aren’t meant to feel each of these necessarily, or in any order, or just once.
So, if you lost someone and you aren’t supposed necessarily to go through the stages of grief, what are you supposed to be feeling? How do you know if what you’re feeling is healthy? How do you know you’re okay? And how do you know if you need help?
The truth is, there is nothing you should be feeling… but also if you’re feeling nothing then you’re probably not feeling what is actually there. These questions are really complicated to answer because grief is really complicated. If you feel like you need help, then that is a good sign you could benefit from help. You could reach out to a therapist or a friend, or you could join a group for people who have had similar losses. If you’re still not sure you need help, I offer some questions below that you can ask yourself.
Have I accepted that they are gone?
Like really, actually gone. If you find yourself reaching for your phone to text them or thinking about things you want to tell them next time you see them, then that might indicate that on some level you haven’t really come to accept that they’re dead. You might also find yourself minimizing who they were to you, maybe you tell people you weren’t that close when you really were. This too is a way of denying your loss.
Have I let myself feel how painful it is?
Or have you been numbing the pain? Maybe you tell yourself that you just got really busy at work, or those drinks at night are just to help you fall asleep. Some of us watch too much television or throw ourselves into things that keep us really busy. Some of use substances that keep our minds from thinking about how much it hurts. And you are coping, you are surviving – but grief is painful and if you haven’t fully felt that pain then it is still there waiting to be felt.
Or maybe you can’t stop feeling the pain, it is the only thing you are feeling and it’s consuming you and affecting other areas of your life. That might also indicate you could use some help.
Do I feel like I can live my life without them?
This can be as simple as whether you feel like you can do all the things that need to be done to keep your once shared home functioning. Do you know how to bleed the radiators? Or make the lawn mower work? Who does the dishes now? Or, even if you didn’t share a home, do you know who to call now when you need a ride home from the airport? Who is your emergency contact? How are you handling all those things that they used to do in your life?
This question is also asking if you have regained a sense of self and a sense of your place in the world without your person. Do you feel like yourself? Does getting up every day and doing what you do with your days make sense anymore?
Please note that this isn’t meant to ask if you are having thoughts of suicide, although that can happen in times of grief. If you are having thoughts of suicide please seek help; you can call or text 988 to reach someone immediately at the national Suicide and Crisis Lifeline.
Can I remember them and still live my life?
Are you still living your life, or do you feel stuck? Sometimes remembering the person is all consuming, or completely emotionally draining. Sometimes we block them out completely. They were important to you, and you deserve to acknowledge the experiences you had with them while also living your life. Check in with yourself – are you making the decisions you need to make to have the life you want, the life that does or could bring you joy? Or do you feel trapped in the past, in your grief, in a life that doesn’t make sense anymore?
Your thoughts, feelings, and reactions to the questions above are meant to give you insight into whether you want to get some help with your grieving process. Please know that how you answer these questions is going to change over time. If you lost someone who you were very close to in past few months, then it makes a ton of sense to still be adjusting. But also, there is no time period in which all of your grieving should be complete, you will likely always miss them. Only you can know if the distress you are feeling is keeping you from living your life, and if it is I encourage you to reach out to people who care about you, elders in your community, and to a therapist.
**A note from Alicia: The questions in this post are based on Worden’s Tasks of Mourning, which is one of many frameworks for understanding the grief process. I offer Worden’s framework as a way to check in with yourself about your adjustment to life without the person you lost and to see if you might need some help making that adjustment. If you do, please know that it is really common to need help. Humans throughout history have relied on ritual, spirituality, community, and elders to supply that help. In our modern world many of those things don’t exist or aren’t accessible to everyone. Or perhaps just aren’t working for you. A therapist who specializes in grief can help you come to a place where you are able to live a happy life while always remembering the person you lost.
